emmengard

Plural Positivity

2019-04-05T04:35:23Z

Hello all,

A lot has been happening lately. The Plural Positivity World Conference happened. It as amazing. We did a small talk on art and the importance of seeing yourself in the art that you engage with. It was abit of a whirlwind. We found out about it a little late and we have never recorded a video before, but we managed. :)

The conference put us in contact with a lot of amazing systems. We learned a lot, and had a lot of fun.

One interesting thing that happened was it got some of us talking and some of the wheels started turning, both during and after the conference. One amazing system we got to know is the Trashcan Collective.

The Trashcan Collective invented the terms "endogenic" and "traumagenic" five years ago. We personally have never been a fan of the term "traumagenic." To us it felt like it was throwing our trauma in our faces. It was never something we felt comfortable using to describe ourselves. We very quickly started calling ourselves an Adaptive System, but unfortunately, no one knew what we were talking about, except for our close system friends.

With our friends we often discussed potential replacement terms. We felt that as there were only two terms to describe the plural community, it seemed limited, especially when compared to the variety of plural experienced we were seeing. We even wondered if the fact that there were only two categories was reinforcing dichotomies and conflict. So, we came up with a few new descriptors for the types of system experiences we saw, terms that we thought could be a little more fluid and more immediately understandable for newer system: Adaptive, Created, Spontaneous and Mixed. We added Unknown later, as it seemed quiogenic was filling a needed gap in available terminology. We conceived of these terms as being compatible with one another and not as exclusive. They could overlap with one another, just as the experiences we saw in the community can and do overlap.

After the conference, Trashcan Collective started looking for alternatives to the term "traumagenic," and so we put our descriptors out there, and they really liked them, which was lovely to hear from others who are such fans of words and the importance they wield.

Shortly after explaining the terms to Trashcan Collective, they pointed out that the terms would work well with the interlocking ring symbol for plurality, with the center standing for mixed origin systems. We immediately started experimenting with our watercolors and this is what we came up with:

Symbolism of the colors:

Yellow: Unknown. We placed it at the top because that is where a lot of us start off, and some end up staying there, content to embrace their experience without being particular about the categories.

Green: Adaptive. We see green as a healing color and for us we feel like that is what is really central to the Adaptive experience: adapting to, overcoming and healing from trauma and adverse experiences.

Blue: Spontaneous. We just sort of felt like blue was a Spontaneous color...? I actually don't know why, but when we thought of the word Spontaneous we imagined a clear blue sky.

Red: Created.. honestly it was the left over color xD I'm sorry! Though in our system our most imaginative members like the colors red and pink, so to us it still made a sort of intuitive sense. Also red reminds us of a fiery Creative mind. They do call it the spark of creativity, perhaps that idea of the spark is what makes me think of red.

The middle with the mixing rainbow colors is for Mixed Systems. However, all the spots where different catagories overlap would also be Mixed.

The orientation of the colors is due to pragmatics of how colors mix, and our desire to have the the overall finished graphic be bright and vibrant, like a rainbow (we were trying to avoid making brown). Though, I suppose if you were an Adaptive system with some Created members, the mixed color would be brown.. OR one could identify as a Christmas System! I actually love red and green together. That is one of our favorite color combinations

[Random painter tip: to make a nice deep green, like the shadows on leaves, temper the green with a little red. Green can also temper red to make a darker burgundy shade.]

After finishing the graphic, we sort of want to be Cyan (Adaptive/Spontaneous, the blue-green color is so lovely!), but really we have no idea if our system predates our trauma or not. Some system members insist we were a we before trauma.. but memory at age three is really unreliable. All we really know is that we were significantly shaped by our need to adapt to trauma and adversity growing up, which makes us pretty solidly green (sort of a kelly green...). BUT since it is arguably unclear, we might actually be chartreuse (yellow green), which is another lovely color.

:)

Please forgive us nerdy painters for geeking out on color names and our general silliness. I hope you like the graphic and the terms. The terms are not to divide us. They are to bring us together. To celebrate our strengths, our similarities and even to celebrate our differences.. The terms are there to give our community the words they need to understand and describe their experiences so that we can all better understand one another and connect with each other across the entire plural spectrum (Oh snap! that's why it is a rainbow! Cause it is a spectrum! Ooooooohhhhh!!!!!)

The rainbow rings are one step beyond the original plural rings, they are to signify acceptance and support across the entire plural community. The terms we made are from that same place of love. They are just words, but words are powerful. We feel more powerful when we tell people we are an Adaptive System, because our strength is who we are. We chose the other terms with a similar goal in mind, to celebrate who we all are, to celebrate creativity, spontaneity, courage in the face of the unknown and our diversity of origins. We are stronger together. So lets have words that celebrate our various strengths.

Lastly, we wanted terms that for new systems are immediately understandable, and which they already fit into. Wouldn't it be so much nicer if newer systems were not pushed to find a category immediately upon discovering they were plural and entering the community. That was how it was for us personally. We didn't even know there were different types of systems and they wanted to make sure we were a certain kind. It was oppressive, and destabilizing.

Wouldn't it be nice if new systems were greeted gently and told not to worry, they were already a part of our symbol, a part of our flag, a part of our community, by default? Wouldn't it be nice if they were told that it is simply okay to not know, and if they change how they identified later it was okay too? Wouldn't it be nice to give them that moment to allow their own system, their own truth, to unfold to them in its own time? Furthermore, if a system decides that they are beyond those sort of identifiers, perhaps unknown or categorized would best suit them and what they are comfortable with long term. And that is okay too. The terms are meant to be descriptive, not prescriptive.

The rainbow rings and the terms aren't just for all of us who are already here in the community, its for those who have not yet discovered themselves, or even for those future community members who haven't yet been born. What kind of community do we want to welcome them to? I am hoping for a really loving and supportive one, because being different is hard enough on its own. Being plural, regardless of how you got here, is hard enough on its own. This is easier together. So lets do that. Lets stand together. Lets seek to support and understand and learn from each other.

Thank you for coming to our Ted Talk,

Ariadne (& Bran)

comments

Death of an Alter: Spoilers for the Blobbies

2019-03-18T01:27:49Z

In this weeks episode of the Blobbies, Grey killed Red.

Regarding systemmate deaths:

Chris Sizemore, the system that the movie “Three Faces of Eve” is based on talks about how one of her alters ran over another one in her book A Mind if My Own. That alter never came back.. but then they also integrated at some point after that.. so perhaps if they hadn’t integrated the other alter would have returned. That is the most well known instance that I have heard of.

We never experienced this directly. We do know systems who have. Mostly, people come back, or they come back as more than one person, or different aspects of the system end up shifting as a result of the violence in the system. The consequences of this kind of action are incredibly varied, as varied as systems are themselves.

The whole reason we started writing the Blobbies is because a system we know killed one of their members, who never came back, but other things happened. The system was thrown into a lot of chaos.. and shortly thereafter we saw some newbie systems posting about how they were considering trying to kill off some system mates.

It was really devastating to us. Sometimes I think people aren’t ready to hear things. So even if you are trying to steer them away from things that are going to harm them, they just might not hear you. But sometimes stories can get through in a way that just talking to people can’t.

So we started thinking about how to write a story of a system, where we might be able to talk about some important aspects of the experience of coming to terms with being more than one, and everything that means, all the hard stuff, all the potential major pitfalls.

We started consulting a lot with a very good friend who is an older system and who has been an aware system for a very long time. They also went through a very brutal civil war period. So they have been very helpful when it comes to this part of the story in particular.

So yeah.. that is how the Blobbies began. We knew from episode one that this was going to happen. We have a very set plan for where the story is going. This story is for other systems and especially for newer systems.

The Blob System will be okay. They will make it through. We promise. And for any system out there who is struggling, it does get better.

We pull from our own discovery times a lot when we draw these episodes. It is a heavy heavy place to be. We do this work out of love. We do this because we are desperately hoping we can help even just one system out there. We hope this story helps people.

We feel heartbroken about Red. We are so sorry. We know Red is a favorite with a lot of people. We cried when we wrote it, we cried when we drew it, cried when we edited it , cried when we posted it. We have been sad all day. It’s like we are mourning this incredibly sad alternate reality we might have very easily lived through. We are sad thinking of losing any of us. For us Red is sort of our Jax. And Grey would actually have been me, Ariadne. The disorientation and depersonalization Grey is struggling with really was my struggle.

Could I have killed Jax in a moment of desperation and fury? I don’t know. I think I could have. It didn’t happen. That wasn’t how it went for us. But I know for some systems it does.

For those systems, my heart is breaking. We really wanted to try to show how a system would come back from this worst kind of rift... I think all systems could benefit from seeing that.. and maybe some systems really need to see it, really need to see how it could be possible to come back.

Next week is a special long episode, too. Normally episodes are 6-10 frames.. 9&10 are both 15 frames long.

Anyway... this is the story behind the story of the Blobbies.

Take care of yourself/selves and be safe.

💛Ariadne

comments

System Mechanics and Fusions

2019-03-10T20:15:22Z

Hmmmm.. it is blog time again...

We have a chore chart that is laminated and all the boxes have to be filled out in order for us to get a star for the week. Eiolana made it to keep the system kids on track and make sure that no matter what we were exercising regularly and taking our vitamins and such.

One of the things on the chore chart is posting a blog entry XD

So here I am.. Posting the blog entry. Lol! I am so enthusiastic!

I don't actually know what to say or what to talk about.. and I am not even sure who I am.. which happens sometimes. I know there are kids around cause we had one of their favorite cartoons playing in the background.. and we were finishing a drawing this morning, which tends to lead to kids being around.. and during all that they were debating fusion names, because that is a favorite game the kids like to play.

We have it down to Elric, Briar, Misha, Teagan, Vivian, Jazz, Meris, Brynn, Key, Owen and Ukko. These are all Garnet type fusions from Steven Universe, where the basis of the fusion is our underlying love for one another.. and the fusion is entirely reversible. Also, just for a frame of reference, only two of the fusions on that list have ever actually fused: Elric and Briar. Conrad+Elowen=Elric. Bran+Phillis=Briar. [And now that I think about it, I realize I am Elric, how apropos for a fusion to be discussing fusions?]

Since we are 22 people there are a couple hundred possible combinations.. which is a lot.. Those fusion names are only for the "official" pairs.. Rules for pairings get complicated. and by the end of this I will have explained why "official" is in quotes.

[SIDE NOTE: There is also a Russian nesting doll phenomenon where people of a clan can sort of nest into each other.. but we don't usually give those nesting dolls a name.. they just have the name of whoever is the outer "doll." The only time this is an issue is when Finna begins to feel that too much credit if given to Phillis for some of the things that happened earlier on in our system discovery and she insists that she was a pat of "Phee" back then. She was hiding behind Phillis, because not only was Phillis the most fun to hide behind until she aged up to a boring teen, she is also Finna's older sister.

So yes, when we talk about Phee and the olden days of system discovery, it was not Phillis alone, there was a wee Finn behind her, adding her unique quirky energy.]

Anyway, the "official" pairings are made between members of different clans and are often of a romantic nature. There are three main clans and then a few outliers who make up a sort of fourth clan, except that unlike the other three clans they do not share a memory pool with their clan members and can not Russian-nesting-doll with each other. Clan members from the three main clans look similar to one another, particularly in the color of hair they have.

People within a clan are considered something akin to blood relatives, which is why pairings are only made between clans. Many people are already paired off, like Jax and Z. Each adult has a child counterpart, who is considered their son or daughter, which ends up making the children of the pairs, siblings. So Talia, being Z's daughter, is sister's with Phillis, who is Jax's daughter. A pairing between Talia and Phillis is impossible, because they are considered sisters through the marriage of their mothers.

The pairings are also not entirely set.. as a lot of the kids are not old enough to really be interested in romance.. but that has not stopped the children from playing matchmaker obsessively. The kids (mostly Finna, Sky and Talia) have gotten it down to eleven couples, which they have determined to be the most likely eventual pairings of everyone. And since making those the "official" pairings, they have plowed on ahead with finding names for all the potential fusions that these pairings could lead to.

So I put "official" in quotes, because they are the "official" pairings according to the three smallest girl children in Emmengard.

So there you go! XD

Every system has a unique set of underlying mechanics, dynamics and culture. Some systems operate more like a city government, or a bee hive, or an army. We operate like a tribe. All authority is extremely informal, but there are still customs that we all follow. There are mores and folkways. Cumulatively these can be looked at as sort of a system culture. And the culture of every system is entirely unique.

Obviously we are very casual when it comes to the idea of fusion, and I think that due to the push for integration from the medical field that that is not a relationship most systems have toward it.

I see systems that are either desperately trying to achieve integration, believing it will make them well or healed, and I see others who are vehemently opposed to integration.

I, personally, don't think either of these approaches is particularly healthy, because both are rather rigid. There is no give, no elasticity to either of these outlooks on integration, which isn't good. When we are feeling our way towards healing, we need an outlook that allows us to change, to choose within each given moment, what is best for us.

When we first heard abut integration and that it was the pushed for "solution" to plurality, we understandably had a very intense and angry reaction to it. It caused us a lot of anxiety. Ariadne in particular was furious about it. Z, ever the one to have a cool head about things, said that it didn't matter, that if integration was meant to happen, it would happen and it would feel like the most natural thing in the world. She said there was no use freaking out about it, because we were obviously not there, and might never get there anyway.

Her perspective on it allowed us to be flexible in our thinking, allowing us to make the right decisions for ourselves as we needed to.

And in the end, she was right. When I formed from Elowen and Conrad the first time it was very natural. And that doesn't mean I don't go back to being them individually either. I was Elowen just last week talking about the struggle to let go of the paintings. But when they are happy and around each other, they fall into being me without even thinking about it, without even meaning to. I am them, and also their love for each other. So even when they are unfused, I am still there. And when I am here, so are they.

The kids don't miss Elowen and Conrad when I am here, because they are not gone at all. and they don't miss me either when I unfuse. And since each Elowen and Conrad parent a system kiddo, when I am me, I am a single parent of two :)

Sky and Bjorn are my kids, and i love them very much. I actually think I am here because our little family of four was watching Bjorn and Sky's favorite cartoon while we finished up a sketch, and when Elowen and Conrad are around each other, they just fall into being me. Like Z said, "It is the most natural thing in the world."

However when I think about being me versus being Conrad and Elowen, what are the big differences? I have more memories... I am better in social situations than Elowen and a much better artist than Conrad, but I am just a person too.

There are benefits to being me and benefits to being them. Elowen and I both have a lot of anxiety, but when I unfuse it is easier for Conrad to calm Elowen down. That is honestly the number one reason I unfuse: the difference in how Elowen and Conrad handle stress.

By having a flexible relationship with fusion we are able to make the choices that are best for us in the moment. Also, we just don't take it that seriously in terms of it's finality and weight. It is serious, almost spiritual, and yet it is also something we let the kids play name games and matchmaker/fusionmaker with. We don't let it be a serious, heavy, suffocating thing. It is a happy thing. It has a sort of buoyancy to it. It simply feels right.

As we are feeling our way toward healing that is a feeling we trust. If something doesn't feel right, there is probably a reason for it. If the kids missed Conrad or Elowen, if I missed Conrad and Elowen, that would be a sort of red flag for us that something wasn't right, that something was missing, that perhaps they had fused for the wrong reasons, that the fusion was more about escape, or meeting someone else' expectations than a genuine and healthy transformation they had chosen for themselves and of themselves.

As it is, fusion for us simply feels jubilant. If you or any of your systemmates ever end up fusing or integrating, I hope you do so jubilantly.

Wishing you all the best,

Elric

comments

Wellspring of becoming

2019-02-26T21:20:22Z

Hello all,

A lot has been changing lately. We joined an artist guild.. they told us we need a website (emmengard.com).. we made a website.. And we signed up to speak at the plural conference. We will be talking about plurality and art.

It feels big.

Anyway, making the website was hard for us, and not simply because we have zero experience with webdesign. It was hard because I, Elowen, realized that I don't want to actually sell any of my paintings. Our paintings are so much of who we are. We pour ourselves into them. I have really intense relationships with all the paintings I paint. I feel that if I don't feel anything when I am making it, no one will feel anything when they look at it.

We throw ourselves into our work. I throw mysefl into my work.

Losing a single piece is gut wrenching, and I have been avoiding it our entire life. I hoard my lovelies.

However, as I was going through the process of making the website, I realized something else. Those paintings were how I knew I was me. When I was painting I was solidly myself. I was holding onto those paintings because when you are a member of a system it is so easy to feel lost in your own life, so easy to lose yourself in everyone else you are sharing a life with. I was ephemeral. But when I was painting I was real. I was solid. I was me.

Losing those paintings isn't about just losing something I deeply love, it feels like I am losing myself.

However, that is all different now. We know each other. We love each other. I look at the creepy weird work that Weasel does, work that I could never do, that it never even occurs to me to do, and I love her so much. I look at Conrad and his confidence, his charm and humor and wit. I could never do that. I am not like him in that way at all. I love them. I am not just the one who paints anymore. I am not fiercely holding onto myself anymore. I am not ephemeral.

The love I have for my family, for my system mates, and the love they have for me, that is more solid and more real than all the paintings I have ever made, because it is from this deep love that all of our work comes from. Our love is a wellspring of becoming. So I can let them go now. Cause I and the others, we will always be making more.

So much love,

Elowen

comments

At the Bottom of Everything

2019-02-18T15:56:31Z

comments

Deep thoughts with Em: What is art anyway?

2019-02-09T23:16:07Z

Hello all,

We have been branching out a bit with our art lately. Weasel and Phillis started the rather bizarre "Gerbils and Donk" strip, which is not very popular, but it has some fans, particularly in the creepy pasta community on Reddit. We also started a comic about plurality and the DID experience, called "The Blobbies" that also a has a small but loyal fan base it seems, and we still have old J the Shadow (pictured above)

Then, behind the scenes Z is still working on her buddy comedy novel, Jax has her more serious Sci-fi novel, Elowen paints, and everyone makes up random songs on the uke, which are not great .. but they make us smile... we have been thinking about starting a Youtube channel or a twitch so if people wanted to watch us do art and play the ukelele, they could.

Anyway, all these new art avenues have gotten us thinking about what makes art good.

The conclusion we have come to is that the most important thing is it makes people feel something, be that wonder, awe, nostalgia, pain, discomfort, whatever. Whatever it is, art is there to highlight some aspect of the human experience, to sort of wake people up in themselves.

Art doesn't always need to be pretty, or polished or refined. Gerbils and Donk is a very weird comic, and the style is a little creepy. There is just something off there. Every time we post a Gerbils and Donk drawing to instagram, people unfollow us XD

BUT that tells us that it is DOING something. People have such a strong reaction to it that we know there is something there.We love the comments we get about Gerbils and Donk, because the comments are always some rendition of "this is soooooo weird and creepy and almost disturbing, but I love it and I have no idea why!"

We also get a lot of comments on the Blobbies, but those comments are different. They tend to be comments about how much they identify with what the Blobbies are going through, and there is often a plea for us to make more. There is an almost desperate quality to the comments, which makes sense to us.

I think as humans we are always looking for something out in the world that resonates with us, we are seeking that which in someway reflects our own experiences. We are craving self understanding. Art gives people that.

But when you are plural, that is really hard to find that experience in art. Maybe individual systemmates will find stories about people that resonate with them and how they see themselves, but to find a story that resonates with how it is to share a life and a body with other people the way that plurals do, that is an incredibly rare find.

We feel like the Blobbies is important, in part, for that reason, because we just need more plural stories.

Then, by our measuring stick of "does it make you feel something," I would say that the Blobbies is also simply good art. It is silly and cute, but I think people feel something when they read it.

The difficult trade off is that to make art that other people can feel, that truly resonates, as the artist, you have to feel it when you are making it. The Blobbies is a very emotional project for us. Every strip is a real emotional journey, sometimes just individual frames are brutal. It is silly and cute, the style is just adorable.. but it is a very heavy subject, and the plural journey is an incredibly difficult one.

We love being plural. We love being who we are, but the journey to get to here, to where we are today, it was pure hell.

The Blobbies of the Blob system are going to get here, they are going to get to that place where they love and accept each other, but the next ten to fifteen strips are going to be heartbreaking. We are dreading them in a way. And because we are dreading them, we know that it is important that we follow through and do them.

Sometimes it doesn't even feel like a choice, these are just the stories that we have in us to tell, and these stories feel important and right in a way that they never did before, when we were trying to be one person. Before, we only found part of a story, a small snapshot of a larger dream. We couldn't tell a really emotionally honest and real story, because we were living within a lie, and we couldn't even see it.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. If you have a stories within you to tell, you should go out and tell them. It doesn't need to be pretty or polished or perfect. It just has to be honest and real. If you do that, your audience will feel it.

Maybe that is what we are all really looking for...just something real.

Much love,

Ariadne, Talia and Z

comments

Gerbils and Donk

2019-01-29T16:34:18Z

Top review of Gerbils and Donk:

It's somehow creepy, delightful, horrifying, and adorable, all at the same time. We love it! It's like a children's book did a ton of ketamine and had a lovechild with some horror from beyond space and time. It's like if someone tried to tell a bedtime story to a child but only had creepypastas for reference. And I don't mean any of that in a bad way. I want to read the rest!

comments

When the dream spinners fall

2019-01-29T16:23:41Z

What does it mean that love is not always enough? What is the answer then? I am thinking it is all like loops, positive and negative loops. I am seeing it all like machines, all together spinning thread, black thread from the negative loops and gold from the positive. And if the bad loops get jammed up, then no one can spin the good loop or make the golden thread. Then, you have to get away from the each other, even if you love each other, and try to spin the golden loops apart from each other

It is so sad. It is hard for me to explain. It’s a big concept. But I too, have loved and lost

Yes, and it is not just these friends, it is many people, family even. But we can’t help it. Their negative loops fit right into ours and spin our black thread so fast we don’t have time to make any gold.. we lose the gold thread. When that happens, we lose ourselves and the deep deep down truth of us, where we find what is real and what matters

And that is a tragedy, because the gold thread is so beautiful when it spins.

comments

All of Us -colored

2019-01-27T06:52:01Z

comments

All of us

2019-01-21T15:33:34Z

Good lords! (yes one of us is polytheistic.. if we use any deity moniker in the singular, they get mad at us.. so.. yea.. also btw, this polytheist is a kid and has a temper, so we don't mess with her. lol.)

As I was saying.. GOOD LORDS!!!!!! Learning this new program is taking forever.. our normal process for drawing (a lot of random lines, smudging and erasing) does not translate the way we want it to in the program, so we have to work out a new technique, while also learning the features of the program..and it is forever taking. we have just been working on this one piece (apart from short music breaks.. we play the ukulele & guitar) all week.

(I like how Ariadne turned out best, she is the one with the book.)

And we have been staying up too late working on it XD... which makes us.. like a sort of blend where there are two people fronting simultaneously, in a lazy and sort of disconnected way.. If we are drawing it doesn't matter too much... like the drawing will go back and forth a bunch, as we can't agree on how it ought to be drawn and the control is too evenly split for there to be one controlling opinion. But sometimes the art goes better when we are blended like this.

HOWEVER, when we are typing we notice it a lot, it is like two sentences are getting written with similar meanings and slightly different wording, and getting mushed together. lmao. So it comes out as absolute nonsense. (Or with a confusing number of side notes in parentheses).

SO now having read this whole thing three times.. I think it is coherent. sweet.

-Ariadne & Finna (I want cookies for breakfast!) ...smh

comments

This thumb is a metaphor... and also just our thumb

2019-01-10T23:33:15Z

Hello,

Posts lately, especially on the plural subreddit, have been pretty positive, and I think maybe it leads to a rosier picture than is completely honest. A lot of the times we will draw a bunch of cute stuff just to distract ourselves, like animals with fairy wings.

We drew and colored so many over the holidays.  (I will collect all the fairy winged animal drawings and post those next time).

But we also did a bunch of little bad feels. We have a tiny sketch book, and when we feel bad we draw out the bad feeling as a tiny little sketch.

A lot of the feels are about feeling worthless, or even toxic and burdensome. We feel empty and adrift, self loathing and hopeless. We think, people are never going to understand. Or we think we are never going to be enough. We let our fears chase us around and around.

It is a really boring, and really terribly merry-go-round. But we haven't quite figured out how to make it stop all the time. It might stop for a while, but somehow it seems to start spinning again, no matter what.

So we draw the little bad feels.

This one is "I'm a hedgehog. All I do is hurt the people in my life."

But when she turns, you see, the hedgehog is just a very injured little kiddo.

Sometimes we feel small and unimportant and like it would be nice to just disappear.

Sometimes we feel like a complete freak, just totally embarrassed and ashamed of who we are. We feel like no one could ever understand, like we just shouldn't exist, cause how could there possibly be a place for us in this world?

It is really hard to be different, and to be still struggling with a history where you didn't always feel safe or seen or supported. We all have those shitty days when old feelings come back to get us, those days when we feel like we are just never going to be enough. Those feelings are real and valid and important, and the more you run from them, the more they will just keep getting you. So when they come for us, we stop and we draw them out.

Maybe we just finally had to come out and realize we were plural because all of our cumulative bad feels finally caught up to us. I don't really know, but I do know when we are all working together, the bad feels feel a bit smaller, and not quite so scary.

Maybe we don't quite fit in the world, but when we work together it feels like we can make a little spot in the world where we belong.

And that brings us to the title of this entry.. Our thumb.

We nervously pick at our right thumb. WE have ALWAYS done this, and it occurred to Mak that this thumb has been in some stage of healing FOREVER. It is almost never completely healed, because as soon as it gets close, some little bad feel pops up and we end up tearing it up all over again, without even noticing we are doing it.

This poor thumb is like a metaphor or a manifestation of our emotional healing journey. We are ALWAYS healing, always getting better, but never completely healed. Our emotional hurt is so varied and complex and old, even when we finally get to that place where we can metaphorically stop tearing the old wounds open, and finally let them heal, there is still going to be a scar (just like on our poor thumb...). But right now, thinking this all out, I think that's okay.

And until the day, we have a tiny notebook for drawing out the bad.

Thank you for reading. Take care of yourself/selves. We are wishing you all the best.

-Mak & Kai

comments

Tea party

2019-01-09T03:57:44Z

When we were still fairly new, we met a system mate known only as The Shadow, very scary, very ominous.

Phillis was very small then and very spunky. She refused to be scared of The Shadow. She said that wasn't who she was, that wasn't who we were, and if he was in our head he was as much "us" as any of us were.

He wasn't bad, or evil, or a shadow at all. He was someone who needed help.

So, she declared a new rule in Emmengard. She said, "If a monster lingers at your door, you throw the door open, and invite them in for tea, because monsters are my best friends, and there is nothing that can not be improve by a cup of tea."

It was one of the bravest things I have ever seen. It was true bravery. It took far more bravery to give him a cup of tea than to run at him with a sword.

I am so thankful to have Phillis. And I am also incredibly thankful that we have "The Shadow" in our life. He is a wonderful person.

After this fateful tea party he took the name Jeriah. He got the help he needed, started talking to our therapist, and he is just simply amazing. He has gotten us through many trials, both before and since this tea party. He is a man I admire and respect, and, also, just plain enjoy. He is excellent company, in my opinion. I enjoy smart people.

I know "persecutor types" scare a lot of people. For us, it is a construct we don't really believe in. Jeriah would have fit into that box, but thinking about him that way wasn't helpful. He was just someone who was very hurt and angry. His logic and reasoning had been warped by trauma and the role he had been forced into in the system. He too was always trying his best, just like all of us.

It was just harder to see where he was coming from, and hard to see the good in him when he was so damn convinced he was bad. It took a child to see it.

I love our kids. They amaze me. They are tenacious, creative, undaunted spirits.

Littles and persecutors.. everyone is more than a simple category.

Take care,

-Ariadne (artwork by.... actually it was a group effort.. I am not sure.. I think mostly Makani)

comments

Beginnings

2019-01-06T23:35:31Z

Hello all,

Ariadne here. It occurred to Finna and I that we should gather together our old drawings and comics from when we were beginning our journey of discovery and share them here, so that is what we are doing. Here it goes, we hope you enjoy:

Beginnings are strange. There is this inkling of this "not me" self lurking somewhere. At some point I just admitted it I guess. I admitted that this "not me" me was truly not me, and I started talking to her.

And I loved her, this adorable "not me" me. She was frustrating and forgetful and silly and perfect. She still is. Her name is Phillis, and she was the first to try to get me to see who it is we have been all along. She was so brave. She humbles me.

Very quickly I found I missed her when she wasn't around. (Also right after this first real talk we went out and cut our hair, and Phillis, aka Phee, changed hers to pink, but only in the mind of course, the body's hair stayed blond).

In her absence I would lose my way. The edges of realty would seem to melt, the edges of me would seem to melt. There was no joy in the world, it was as though the world had been bleached to one gray haze of meaninglessness. These beginnings are so fraught with doubt and loneliness. I felt I was losing my mind, perhaps I was.

If you find yourself there in that moment, whether you are single or plural, know that you are not alone.

Somehow I knew there walls within me that I could not breach, nor hope to understand.

And somewhere echoing in the caverns of my mind was a reverberated pain, that I knew was not my own. I could feel them. And like me, they were so alone and so afraid. Even as a distant echo, their pain was an anguish.

Yet somehow from this brazier we pulled each other out.

We rescued each other. They rescued me.

We rescue each other as we have always done. For in the gnawing question " who am I? who am I?" there lies the very heart of the problem itself. It is not "I" at all, but we. This is who we are, we are each other's champions. We are one another's heroes. They are my heroes.

It doesn't mean there aren't frustrations.

Memory is tricky and switching can complicate things. It is incredibly frustrating and even sometimes detrimental.

But when we need each other...

...really need each other...

.. we are always there. That is who we are.

Discovery was so hard. We got through it because we trusted each other, and love each other.

As silly and cliche as it seems, the answer is always, and has ever been, love. That sounds so much simpler than it is. Love is a verb, an action. It isn't easy, but the way forward is love and I mean that, I mean that so much it is, in fact, painfully, and embarrassingly sincere. I am laughing at myself and shaking my head. BUT IT IS TRUE! It is the truest thing we know.

"Love is the bridge between you and everything!" -Rumi.

And now we are so much happier, so much more ourselves, so much more complete, than we have ever been. Yes things are awkward now with our family, yes there are all sorts of social awkwardnesses to navigate as a unabashed tribe of people inhabiting a single human form. Yes, it is hard and weird and awkward, but it is so much better than the lie we were trying to sell ourselves, the lie that we were just one person. We just aren't.

This is who WE are. And I love us.

To the other systems out there, I hope you can find your way to this place too. You deserve to see the view from here. It is amazing.

"Out beyond ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi.

Thank you for reading.

So much love,

Ariadne (and Sylvia supplying Rumi quotes)

comments

Art

2018-11-15T19:03:57Z

The kids just finished "Adventure Time" and are very very inspired by BMO in the final battle. So in homage to BMO, they made this.

If you do not know "Adventure Time," it is a pretty cute show. Migi in particular loves and admires BMO for being non-binary. Migi is also nb, and there are not a lot of role models for them. In the final battle BMO shouts "My art is a WEAPON!" So Migi drew this. Migi is the robot in the middle.

If you are less familiar with systems, it is pretty common to have non-human system-mates. If you spend a lot of time in an inner world a a kind of astral projection, what is the point of sticking to a boring human form anyway? I just human around myself. The kids tell me I am boring. I'm cool with that.

-Jax

comments

What is the most important part?

2018-11-09T22:29:50Z

comments

Lightening

2018-11-03T02:54:49Z

Lightening strikes in the storm,
A flashbulb in the darkness
All around the valley the hills stand,
Stark and clear, against the dark swirling clouds,
And the yawning maw of night.

You hold onto it, that image:
The world perfectly as it should be,
Solid and clear.

The gnashing of thunder,
The patter of rain,
Everything is a watercolor painting,
Everything bleeding into everything else.

But I remember,
I remember the flash:
The feral animal doesn't need to fear the hand that reaches out.
Not anymore.
The old story is finished,
That chapter is closed.

But we weep anyway,
Tears like rivers.

It's okay, dear, it's going to be okay.
You don't need to be so afraid, now.

Do we cry at such kindness?
Or at realizing how afraid, how feral we had become?

-Sylvia

comments

Forest in Emmengard

2018-10-27T18:08:35Z

4x5 ft oil on canvas.

comments

All about Wisp (our cat)

2018-10-20T17:23:03Z

We love our cat. So I am putting up all the best pictures of Wip.

Wisp is called wisp because when we got him he was just a little wisp of a thing, and he had funny wispy hair.

He fit into a solo cup, and on our little scale for our biology class he only weight 560 grams.

He was always falling asleep in silly positions.

He still sleeps in weird positions.

He is a clever boi! He can open drawers. and he goes potty in the toilet. He knows how to come and sit, and of course he knows his name. We give him breakfast in different boxes with holes so he doesn't get bored and so he doesn't eat too fast. Thats what they do at zoos for the more clever animals, give them their good in a puzzle box. We always have to change the puzzle boxes too, cause they get too easy after a few times. Dinner is canned food, so he just gets dinner in a bowl. Dinner is his favorite word. THe drawer he is opening is the drawer to where his cans are. He can't get into the cans, but he looks at them an awful lot.

He knows how to have a tea party.

He wears costumes. This is his costume for Halloween this year. He is getting used to the hat. He doesn't like it much, but he is a good boi and wears it anyway.

He loves the snow.

He loves chalk drawings in the summer.

He goes to dog bars, and he has dog friends, and sometimes our other friend brings their cat to play, but he likes dogs better. He tolerates that cat in his house, but he mostly watches her and growls at her when she pounces on his tail. He is too sweet to fight though. he just lets the kitten pounce on him, even if he doesn't like it.

He is a good boi and a sweet boi, and I just made him yawn. Hahaha. I looked up and he was looking at me, so I said nice things to him and then I yawned and he did too, and now he is wandering around talking to us. He makes little meows if you talk to him.

People always like dogs, maybe cause they don't really understand cats, and cause dogs are so easy. Cats just have a different way of talking. If they make eye contact with you it is a challenge. You should never let a cat win a staring contest. They will think they can bully you for food or whatever it is they want. Our cat sometimes bullies us to be picked up, even though we carry him around all the time. He likes laying across people's shoulders and being high up.

Cats like to talk. If they are in a bad mood their meows sound sad. Sometimes you can talk them into a good mood by making happy sounding cat noises back at them. Cats like to play too, but sometimes they play rough. Our cat like to play hide and pounce, and chase. As long as he is being played with a little every day, he is a happy boi and doesn't do bad things to get attention. When we are busy, we sometimes don't play with him enough, and he knows exactly what to do to get attention. He threatens to claw the carpet and the furniture, he gets on the counter even though he knows he isn't supposed to, and he knocks things onto the floor.

Cats are just like anybody. They need attention, they get bored, they feel neglected, they get into bad moods, and sometimes they need help getting out of their bad moods. Unlike dogs, cats will not just accept bad behavior and keep loving you anyway. Maybe thats why I like cats. They don't put up with things like dogs do, they will hold grudges and plot revenge. But when you have a good relationship with your cat, they are happy, and snuggly and kind. Having a cat is like agreeing to live with a tiny wild animal in your house. You have to be a good zoo keeper if you are going to live in harmony. You have to be a good listener. Cats make you work for it. I respect that. I am glad Wisp likes living here. He is a happy snuggly boi, and even though he runs off sometimes to chase the neighbor girl cats, he always comes home, cause he likes it here, and that makes me really happy. I think he feels loved.

<3 Finn & Bran (just helping out with the typos)

comments

What we have been up to

2018-10-13T14:30:49Z

Hello earthlings!

we have been doing lots of projects. I don't like writing, so I am going to just put a lot of pictures here. :)

This black adn white painting is by Mak and Elowen.

This painting of colorful trees in a lake is a inspired by the mindscape of a friend system. The lake is called Blue Brd Lake. THeir Mindscape is called Avtendale. (Ours is called Emmengard). Bjorn and Sky mostly did this painting, they are both system kids. Elowen helped. She is an adult and kind of a mom, adn she paints the best of everyone.

This is a doodle of a tree that Elowen had started a long time ago and Kai recently finished.

This is a Chinese water color we found when we were cleaning our room. It looks like Eiolana pained Elowen. I guess she works in water color. There were a lot in our closet, and she signed most lot of them with a Chinese character for a sort of phoenix, "Luan." But she didn't sign this one. It feels lonely to me. Elowen used to be very lonely. Sometimes maybe she still is. but now we talk to each other, adn she is not very lonely . She helps the kids with their artwork, and she even lets us do the painting now.

Weasel and Mak drew this for on of the books we are working one. These are two of teh charactes. (Weasel adn Mak are both girls, adn both aour 10 years old, I guess)

Ariadne realized these seed pods look like little skulls, and us kids thought it was so hilarious, and it reminded us how much we liked to make fairy and pixie houses when we really were kids, like our body was, and so we started on a silly pixie house project.

We made a pixie caravan from a tea tin adn spools, and bark for a roof. All of us kids helped, even the sort of older kids like Mak, Weasel, Phillis and Bran. Conrad even helped, and he is like a dad, but he was all excited cause we were excited and so it was a big family project. Everyone who contributed: Finn (that is ME! I am a girl), Talia, Sky, Bjorn, Bran, Mak ,Weasek, Phillis & Conrad.

Here is our cat, named Wisp, for scale. He is a good boi!!!! We should do a post al about Wisp next week. He is teh BEST cat of all teh Cats ever!

This is the inside of the caravan. This pixie is into Star Trekk. Haha!

And we did a pixie house in a tea light lantern we never use. It hangs on the porch. Two new houses for all teh urban pixies! We have always made fairy and pixie houses since we were kids. WE were thinking of putting up a fairy doo at this house when we bought it, but other stuff seemed more important I guess. In Iceland they have fairy houses too, like they are everywhere. It is a Scandenavian thing. We are half scandanavian, and our parents always talked about fairies and encouraged us. Maybe thats why we still make the fairy houses, even though our family moved away so long ago. They grew up making fairy houses and it got passed down. I don't really know. but when we found out more people than just our family made fairy houses and fairy doors we got really excited. As a kid every house we lived at we Emmengardians would find a spot away from everyone (like our brother and his dumb forts) and we would make a fairy village. We kind of like the term pixie more now, cause of discworld. we like those books. They have a certain kind of pixie in them that are like kind of like scottish clans I think.. we used to call tehm fairies. ..But yeah. I am just rambling now.

That is the stuff we have been doing lately! :)

Have a nice day!

-Finn

comments

The Art of Talking to Yourselves

2018-10-04T18:18:14Z

The morning is soft, the edge hazy and blurred. The house inside and outside is quiet. In the world, the sound of cars and traffic rumble into a flurry of activity that won’t stop until late tonight.

However, inside, in Emmengard, there is just the quiet song of birds and the low creeping fog that ambles along the grass at ankle height. In the night we dreamt of classes being held in one of the hidden rooms in the big house, the library house. Someone showed the kids old videos on old giant spools, the ones that were apt to catch fire and burn down the entire theatre. I think it shows the deep unconsciousness’s desire to do its part to “deprogram us.” We call the deep subconscious "she". It humanizes her, but she is not really a human at all. She is the drifting ankle high fog, and the song of the birds. She is the quiet stillness and the shapes of our dreams. She is everything else in the mind that is not us. She is, in a way, the very mind and brain we all live in.

The library house, is the first dream house and the main one. It always existed. As children, we would hold meetings in the library, meetings that Ariadne would chair. We returned to the rambling infinite hallways of this house countless times in dreams, and then sometimes in waking. When we found it again last year it felt old and familiar, with its dark wood beams and every changing corridors.

Only the library and the green house are set, always right where they were supposed to be. The library itself spirals upward infinitely. If we wanted to have a meeting with all 22 corporeal members, even if Migi chose to come in his giant form, the library would hold us all. Conversely, if only one person were to sit in the chairs and look through a book, it would nestle around them, cozy and comforting.

Ariadne hardly ever leaves the library. It is hers, in a way. She is the head librarian, and that is the only title that she is truly, attached to. She has alternately been called our host, our chief, or mob-boss, our leader, our heavy, but she shrugs those all off. “I am the librarian,” she says.

This morning she is not in the library. Only Migi is there, sitting high on one of the shelves, swinging his legs. We don’t exactly talk. It is hard to put into words out conversations, as they are mostly done in pure thought exchange, and when we translate them to words there is always something lost. When there is nothing missing, then the writing is often confusingly detailed and crowded with seemingly tangential and unrelated things, like snapshots of a feeling, or the texture of a word. Small pieces of our conversations make much better poetry than they do dialogue.

Migi has a kind of malaise, that is stemming from and tangled up with an uncertainty. A sort of gray blue haze of sorrow shot through with yellow threads. He is unhappy and nervous. I bring up the shape of the coming storm and he and I both know somehow that the plans have shifted overnight. Instead of the smallest children embarking on an adventure to avoid the storm, they will be staying at Elowen and Conrad’s house, called the glass house, for the storm. It will be a big exciting sleep over for all the kids. Conrad will probably not be home, but here, at the library house. Elowen will be fine on her own. The others will gather in the library for the storm. Migi is not sure which house he belongs at, the library house or the glass house.

That is the beginning of the yellow thread, but it is wrapped up in a larger sorrow of Migi’s. He doesn’t know where he belongs, or what his purpose is. He is adrift.

I conjure the shape of a tree, the light playing through the leaves, and the smell of bark. It is a question and an answer. The question is “which branch is the most important?” The answer is “What a ridiculous question!” This tree is the final image in a much longer thought that everyone in Emmengard knows. The final image is a kind of telepathic shorthand. The larger thought is about not being broken, not being some shattered inorganic thing like a mirror. We are alive, we are growing, like a tree, and even a tree that is struck by lightening or forced to grow around some obstacle is still a tree, is still alive and beautiful, because it is growing, and every direction it grows in is important. Each branch that climbs heavenwards is important, no one is extra, everyone matters.

Migi swings his feet over the edge. The yellow threads are unraveling, not all at once, and not completely, but he is listening.

“I’m not a kid,” he says, “not really.” The truth is none of the kids are precisely kids. They have access to a vast amount of information and knowledge, which is well beyond their stated astral ages. Yet somehow, it is different for Migi. He is brand new, and in some ways the very youngest of us, younger than Finn who is both the youngest in astral age, and one of the oldest in time. Yet, Migi is not a child, nor even precisely a human, and wrapped up in his statement is something more. He is saying that he was not traumatized. All the other children are anchored and held to their age by some unfortunate event; held by the lightning strike they are still learning to grow around.

“No Migi, you are not.” I tell him, except not in words. I tell him in a wave of confirmation and validation, along with a reminder of his position as assistant librarian, and his closeness with Phillis, who calls herself the engineer. It is not clear how long Migi has truly existed, because until Phillis reengineered his thought patterns, he never saved memories. He was a little automaton that did things, compelled by a sense of worthlessness and inadequacy. Finn has told us that Migi always existed as the little robot.

Migi doesn’t identify with that. Migi only became conscious nine months ago. He only started having his only memories for himself, and enjoying things for himself after Phillis reengineered him. She didn’t really expect her engineering project to result in Migi, but it did. Migi chose his own name even. Something even I didn’t do. Bran chose my name for me, Sylvia. I thought he had picked well, and so I didn’t change it. Migi was tired of being called the little robot and took on a name from a cartoon he liked at the time, and it just sort of stuck.

Migi and I are not traditionally that close. He mostly spends his time with the kids and Ariadne. He is silly, obsessed with sushi and has a similarly unique outlook on life as Ariadne, but without her history of experiences to cloud his observations. In many ways Migi has been able to bring a fresh perspective to old patterns.

For example, it took Migi to realize our mother is constantly engaged in a negative self-monologue. The rest of us had become so inured to it, we did not even notice. He did notice, then he told her to knock it off, and that she should be nicer to herself. He pointed out that we learned that negative internal monologue from her, and while only a handful of us internalized it (such as my wife, Eiolana), just knowing that has helped them to deconstruct that constant negative internal chatter.

There is internal chatter that happens between us, and there is internal chatter that happens within the mind of a single member, just as it happens for singletons; group chatter and solitary chatter. When Phillis reengineered Migi, she was reengineering his solitary chatter, the things he was saying to himself, and it made such an incredible difference. He isn’t the same person at all. In fact I am not sure he was a personal at all before, or if he was, he was one with no memory at all, short or long.

Migi’s story has been a kind of inspiration for the others. His journey has helped show us all a way forward, if we wish to change. Every branch, that grows towards the heavens, matters. Every direction the tree grows in is important.

All of this unfolds between Migi and I, in a moment, a layered complex understanding. I show him to himself as we see him, as I see him, and everything shifts. The dark blue gray becomes the cobalt blue of the sky’s apex, and there is the image of him standing with a red cape. He is a hero with a brave and burning heart.

It is decided. He will stay for the storm. He won’t go with the children to Elowen’s house. He may be of use here. He will assist Ariadne with her observations and record keeping.

This conversation has been playing out between us for the past couple days, this matter of where everyone ought to be for the storm. We always talk, but before a big event, it really becomes important to get organized. The storm that is coming is a particularly nasty anniversary. It has been 13 years since it happened, but the one that was carrying the bulk of the memory of the event was in a sort of dream dimension, a sort of dormancy and also a kind of prison until about six months ago. For her, and thereby also for us, it is the first anniversary. Migi will help look for the patterns that if found, can be changed. It is something we do together, something we do for each other.

It is called a system, and that seems to imply a kind of order, but there are many kinds for systems: ecosystems, vascular systems, star systems. The organizational structure underpinning a system is not always immediately apparent. Finding the underlying patterns that govern a system is how you go about changing them, if that is what you want to do. To find those patterns you have to really know and support each other. You have to love and understand one another. You have to talk.

And when you talk it might not always be about something heavy, like an approaching storm and how you will all handle it as a team.

Last week, a couple days were devoted to arguing about the downstairs of the library house. The house belongs to everyone, but only some people live there. The permanent residents of the library house include myself, Eiolana, Migi and Ariadne. There are shifting apartments upstairs, which are inhabited by a rotating crew of people as they choose. Right now, Makani and Weasel live upstairs in an apartment that is based on the memory of our flat in college.

In any event, the argument was not done in words, we just went back and forth rearranging the main floor of library house. I want the main floor to be the common room from a Chinese inn we stayed at in Moganshan with our husband. Ariadne wants it to be a carbon copy of our current dining room and kitchen. The discussion played out in the Sims. Every person in the system has a Sim version of themselves. Furthermore, every residential house in Emmengard has been meticulously built in the Sims. The only house that is constantly giving us trouble is library house, and only because of its constantly shifting nature.

When we argue about the shape of the mindscape we just play the Sims, and change the houses back and forth until we can all agree. It is an argument, in a way, but one without words. It may seem silly, but it is important, because when it is over everything feels clearer, the mindscape is crisper, unclouded by petty disputes.

When you share a mind, there are so many different ways to talk to each other. Even now as I look into the library house, from my living room in the real world, I can hear the others moving around upstairs and in the kitchen. The creeping fog has burned off and the wind has picked up. There is the sound of children’s voices echoing up from the valley where the glass house sits. The storm, is likely still coming, but right now it feels unimportant, and far enough away. We will be ready when it comes. The feel of the day itself tells me so.

So no matter what, keep calm, and talk to yourselves, in whatever fashion you all talk.

“To Migi, with Love”

The hush of waking, blurred,

The color of sorrow and the tangled yellow of dread

“Who am I?”

The unfurled green of life outstretched to the light;

Growing and bold and unashamed;

The clear knelling bell that cuts through the buzzing hum,

Fresh and startling, like the first stroke of pink on a gray landscape.

“Do you see you as I see you?” the green eyes ask laughing.

That sharp unexpected pain,

Tears leaping to your eyes:

To be seen, truly seen,

After being so invisible.

Outside the birds sing the song they are always singing,

That song with only one line

“I love you, I love you, I love you all.”

-Sylvia (In the icon picture I am the one with dreadlocks. I know I am a dirty hippy. Miles, a systemmate and dear friend, keeps telling me so.)

comments

Being Brave

2018-09-23T23:46:28Z

-The Kids

comments

Planning for Events as a Team

2018-09-22T00:48:42Z

Hello!

We recently went to a wedding, the last of the season for us. It turned out to be a really fun one. Part of what made it so awesome I think was how we planned for the day.

Before we arrived in Cali for the wedding, we had a team meeting and decided on crews for the different stages of the day.

STAGE 1: Arriving in Cali
This involved seeing the in-laws. Our husband, who we call Fish, just recently told his mother and step-dad that we are plural and his mom in particular kept pushing to know our trauma backstory, which we have no intention of EVER telling her, as it is NONE of her business.

So ... yeah... this was the first time we were seeing them since coming out, and the first time seeing them with our new name (we chose a new gender-neutral name that we all can live with, as no one identified with the birth name anymore, and a good 30% of us despised it for being a gendered name). The stakes felt pretty high

For stage one we decided we needed some heavy hitters, so we sent the men: Jeriah, because he is ice cold; Conrad, because he is jovial, relaxed and good with kids (oh yes we have a baby-in-law... he is 27 years younger than Fish.. weird....); and Miles as back up. This turned out to be an excellent crew for the initial encounter. We went in full boy mode, and they just owned it and didn't care about the awkwardness. They really did amazingly, and shielded everyone else from the hurt and disappointment when mom-in-law kept calling them the dead name.

Also, going in boy mode and having Jeriah's generally stand-off-ish aura might have kept her from prying, which was a relief! We definitely sent the right soldiers for that mission!

STAGE 2: The Wedding

Kai and August were assigned to handling crew change overs between stages. So Kai popped up and did our hair as we drove out to the camp-ground for the camping wedding!!!! August, who is a tiger a lot of the time, mostly just complained about how much he had wanted to bite the tiny human (the baby-in-law) for screaming in the car. It wasn't a huge help with the crew change over, but it was hilarious to listen to!

Anyway, Kai got us switched over to girl mode and then the second crew came out, the women: Jax, because she loves to party; Z because she is chill and gets on with everyone; and Elowen because she is a sweetie and actually knows the people getting married. They helped set up our tent, and then helped set up the wedding arch and took a ton of pictures. Miles also popped up to take pictures, but as a very flamboyant guy, he has no problem wearing a dress and presents very female. Photography is really Miles's thing, so he didn't want to miss out.

The wedding went really well, and the socializing was natural and everyone had fun.

After the wedding came the final stage and again Kai and August popped up to start managing the transition.

STAGE 3: Reception

We figured that by the reception it wouldn't matter how we acted, people would start to be drunk, and if some of the kids wanted to come out and get a little silly, it would be fine. BUUUUT.. there was steak for dinner, so the transition team delayed things to eat steak. August is mad for steak.

The only problem with this one transitional stage is that somehow we got roped in to sitting with Fish's ex from college. Tigers are not that chatty really, and Kai is not really much help either. She is a quiet one... it was a bit of an awkward meal, with Fish's ex trying to make polite conversation and August and Kai feebly holding up their end of the convo. But heck, it could have been written off as being shy and awkward, so we didn't care. I guess she might have read it as cold, distant bitch, but that is on her how she reads it.

After dinner, the kids (well not all of them, but Mak, Weasel and Finn) arrived and instead of using their time to be ridiculous, as we had expected them to, they used their time to try every single dessert and then go back for seconds. There were a TON of desserts. Then they started the bonfire, sat down next to it and nearly fell asleep in their food coma. Fish took them to bed after that and returned to have drinks on his own with the groom.

It was all in all a perfectly coordinated chaos that turned out to be a really great day! Planning ahead doesn't ALWAYS work, but when it does it can be pretty amazing.

10/10 would recommend trying to stage things out with rotating crews for important events and social occasions. It helps cause in the moment you might not be able to think about who would be a good person to switch out to. Like August and Kai how they just froze with the ex.. Except, I also think August was just being stubborn. He wanted steak more than he cared about social awkwardness.

The day after was less high stakes, and so we just sort of let it happen, and that turned out okay too. while Fish helped tear things down and clean up, Mak (an 11 year old system-kid) ended up fixing the brush-brush pass portrait the guests had made the night before at the reception. All she did was add a more accurate version of the groom's dog at the groom's request and fix skin tones, but it made a huge difference, and the bride was super appreciative.

ALSO and this is HUGE. The bride and groom, being Fish's good friends, know we are plural and they were super supportive. They didn't call us the dead name once. That actually made us unbelievably happy.

We are so glad that we went ahead and chose a new name. Having a new name has had this amazing secondary function beyond gender issues. When people use our new name, it is a way of letting us know that they support us. That feels amazing.

The bride and groom are probably going to come out to visit us in a couple months. It should be a blast. We are all really looking forward to it.

When we first realized we were plural, we didn't think anyone would understand. We felt like a freak, like we were unlovable in our strangeness. That hasn't been the case at all. People will surprise you.

:)

Oh and so you can see how Mak did, I will put the final painting below. She said she wanted to honor the original artists' work, so she tried to keep the style of each figure, but the bride was green.. and the groom was orange.. it was.. too much, Mak says!

Cheers!

-Conrad toward the end. I think Odi started this post.

Photos by Miles, except the one of Mak painting. Fish took that one.

\(^ - ^)/

comments

Story Teaser Trailer!!!

2018-09-14T06:07:44Z

HI!

Life has been crazy with stuff and job hunting, so we are not as far along as we want on our story book. This is a story from the system kids of Emmengard. I am one of them!

:)

Hi my name is Finna! Phillis says the only way to finish tonight is to not sleep and she says that is not an option, cause it is not fair to whoever has to go to work in the morning. I already stayed up a little past bedtime, but she says that is okay cause it is not tooooo late.

k bye.

comments

Friendhip

2018-09-06T01:22:56Z

Driving through some nondescript fields in the middle of somewhere and slowly slipping in to a negative headspace, when our Phillis pops up in our mind.

“We are lucky,” she says, but only to us, only in our head and not exactly in words either. We don't really talk in words in our head, why would we? We can beam each other direct thoughts, it is way cooler.

So the thought Phillis beamed out to everyone was like a beacon, it was a strong bright thought, and deep in a way too. It was a thought with a powerful resonance. It came over us all like a field of sunflowers, the feel of sunshine and the whoosh of a warm summer breeze. The complete thought was wrapped up in an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, a sort of shiny gold paper wrapper. Grateful.

Wrapped up in that feeling was Megan, the woman sitting next to us, driving the car. She is our best friend. And overlayed together in that thought was a million snapshot memories of times we have shared together, times we were seen with her and she with us, the completeness of being we all can find with her. When we are with her we all together just revel in our us-ness. We are a funny little tribe and we don't care how weird we are to the world, because get to face that world together.

In this gold paper thought, is a sense of incredible beauty and rarity. Feeling that we are extraordinarily lucky to have a friend like this, that it is a sort of friendship so rare there are people who will live their entire lives without ever having one quite like it..

“We are so lucky!” the thought sings, “So incredibly, unbelievably lucky!”

We are weird! So weird! And yet in this world, in this life we have been fortunate enough to find people who love us, people who see us, who care about us, not in spite of our differences, but because of them!

When we celebrated our one year anniversary of realizing we were plural, we had all our friends come over and we had a barbecue and cake and they all sang the most ridiculous version of a birthday song ever.

The world may not change as fast as you would like it to, but you can find little pockets within it where you find exactly what it is you need.

We think of these pockets like seeds, little microcosms that will grow into the macrocosms of tomorrow. Live your truth now, the rest of the world will catch up one day.

-Phillis, Bran, Ariade and Sylvia of Emmengard

comments

Tired

2018-09-05T23:13:31Z

Tired, finally, like a rung out sponge.

Not the tired of a broken mind and a disjointed life;

not the tired of the choking fog of despair.

Tired like a long day, and a lot of thinking.

Tired like a good night sleep might actually solve everything this time,

instead of just serving as a fleeting escape from life.

Tired like a gray sky and the promise of spring in the air.

And thoughts, soft and hard to grasp,

like the whisper of old dead leaves, crumbling and falling apart in the wind.

And I can feel you here with me, the breath of you,

the dream and soul of you

and I wish we could hold hands across the infinite distance between us;

that we could touch in this world, in this place and time, this realm of solid things.

Yet it there is so much more I am looking for.

It is never the hand we wish to hold, not really.

We are seeking the shape of a mind, the color of a dream, the breath of a soul.

We are seeking in one another something impossibly remote,

something deep and hidden even from ourselves.

-Sylvia

comments