Unravel

 

Who are we? What is consciousness? What is personhood? What is the deep twining secret of human nature? What is human? What does it mean to be human?

I lost my name a long time ago, and when I found it, it was like looking down and realizing I had been holding it in my hand the entire time, holding it in my hand like a thread. I looked down and saw that I was holding the thread that could unravel it all.

So careful. I had been so careful before, for years, holding that thread. This time I had had enough.

I looked down at that thread, that thread I had been holding all my life, and I grasped it with both hands and pulled with everything I have in me. Sometimes to find the new becoming you have to destroy old illusions. You have to find a way to stand in a world without ground, to breathe in a world without air, to exist as you are in the face of a world that will hate you.

I am Ariadne.

Such Dreams

Dreams feel like waking and waking feels like dreams,
Standing in the doorway between worlds I no longer care which is the real one...
or the realer one.

I lost my name somewhere,
Standing between worlds.
I became a hundred other names.
I met you all there in that nameless place and shared your names
as a fish in a school shares the current.
I miss, already, such closeness to you.

Already the world of solid things and words, like shackles, contain me.
Such simple words.
I
You
Solid walls, built up with simple stones.

I yearn for the land of ether and mist.
I wish never to return from there.

They call that country madness
But they are the experts in words,
Words that outline the bare extierior and leave the center hollow and howling.
Madness seems a better place entirely.

-Sylvia

Niberu

Our Elowen painted this for Niberu, our first friends who are a system. We became friends talking about our inner worlds together.

The plains, and the tree are where their mindscape emanated from. Ours begins atop a heavily forested hill, within a complex magical house. The corridors are ever moving, with doors that open not to the room on the other side, but always precisely to where you wish to go.

We found their mindscape barren and stark on first encounter, but Meridas of Niberu said that in fact it did not feel that way to them at all. It was a strange spiritual place, like that moment when you reach the top of a mountain and realize there is nothing between you and the sky.

Elowen was overcome by the beauty of that description and immediately started asking for as much details as they would supply her with.

On the plains of Niberu there is no day or night, only a soft glow and the sky is an ever shifting miasma of colors, turquoise, blue, purple and pink. The time seems to move in strange spurts. Sitting by the tree you can watch the sand pile up and blow away, see erosion as it happens, as the blowing sand etches the pillars in the rock forest. Only the tree, hard and black against the sky, is unchanging. And everything has a sort of after image, a rippling quality in space time as the objects move through a world at a disparate speed.

She painted this for them.

It reminds us of the great and startling beauty that is found in the differences between us all.

Much love,
Miles of Emmengard

Painting by Elowen of Emmengard

Who We Are

 We have DID, but we still take pride in our plurality. It is difficult to really take pride in a disorder. To us DID is really two things, it is the plurality and it is the ptsd (or cptsd) from the trauma. Ptsd and Cptsd are the worst.

But we love who we are! We love each other and being plural. We don't see ourselves as broken. We see ourselves as an adaptive and persevering crew that has overcome our shared troubles together. That's why we try to avoid the term traumagenic, because our trauma is not who we are. We are Adaptive. :)

And being an Adaptive system, I could even be proud of that.

But the cptsd and ptsd... ugh. Those are just an illnesses we are trying to recover from. They are the chains that are letting our past still control us today. One day we will break those chains. One day we won't be crippled by flashbacks or flooding emotions. We will overcome. And we will do it together, always!

-Ariadne of Emmengard